It’s been a while since my last post, but I am finally feeling almost all the way back to myself again. I have been struggling with my mental health on and off, since I was 13, but during my most recent social media hiatus while I was not making content, the depression hit a bit differently than it ever had before. I’ll begin to unpack all of that in my upcoming posts.
So at first when I realized that my mental health was taking a toll on my creative content it was because I noticed I had kind of stopped doing it for myself and I had stopped planning ahead. I was kind of just taking it day by day and trying to push through. Now, usually my depressions fade naturally, you know, like, with time, I “heal” or so I thought that was healing. Anyway like I said, this depression hit differently so it was not just naturally passing, I mean this thing felt HEAVY.
Trying to create content (especially YouTube videos) while my mind was cluttered with so many different thoughts, feelings and emotions was really hard; nearly impossible. So you know I’m still thinking like, “Ok, these thoughts will pass in time like they always do.” But no.
And so I had to take a step back for a while, from everything. It felt like way too much.
On top of dealing with the personal issues that had caused this wave of depression I was now piling on the guilt of not staying consistent with my brand and my business. I was feeling especially guilty about writing posts for my blog because it didn’t feel genuine. But, although I was feeling guilty about not remaining consistent, I knew at the same time I would feel even worse about putting out content that my heart wasn’t in. I wasn’t living by the advice that I had been putting out into the world. I wasn’t holding myself accountable and that was eating away at me as well. But, like I said, we are definitely going to unpack what was going on.
In one of my first ever posts titled, “The Emotions” I wrote about how important it is to process your emotions and feel through them instead of just wallowing in them. I should have went back and read this post, in fact I think I might tape it to my wall because that’s how real it is. I realize now that when I wrote this post, I knew what needed to be done just not really how to do that. I knew it wasn’t ok to just push my negative feelings out of my head but I just wanted to feel ok but I only felt ok temporarily and I sort of imploded and shut down in my own way.
I took a much needed break from all of my creative projects and Instagram (which I have reactivated, follow me @ciarajewel_). Honestly I am not all the way healed but I’m starting to embrace this healing process, this journey. After all that is why I started this blog, to share my journey with others in hopes that we can build a community where we all feel comfortable sharing our journey’s together.
Thanks for reading, leave a comment or contact me if this resonated or helped you in some way.