So according to this book it seems I haven’t written anything since the beginning of the year. Writing helps me sort my thoughts and feelings yet when I’m going through the most, well, my most, trying times I just can’t find it in me to write. During all the madness I can’t. I mean this was actually a different experience for me because usually when I’m going through a depression I’ll still write but I don’t know why this time was so different. I mean I do know. I know that what I went through was one of the most difficult times in my life, if not the second because I’m only 20 so I haven’t experienced a lot of crazy shit yet. Anyway I am not at all proud that I haven’t been writing, I feel like I abandoned my first love/passion. I’m not proud because despite all that happened and then my writing being being effected by it all I still feel like I haven’t made any progress mentally and as far as having control of my emotions. I don’t know it’s been a while so there has to have been some progress made. I tend to be really hard on myself about these types of things. Maybe I’ll write a list. Maybe I’ll write an actual thought instead of a free write so I can note some of my progress. One thing for sure that I know I’ve learned is to find peace. Find peace in me. Everything that I could possibly need or want physically, mentally, or emotionally needs to be found in me first. When you rely too heavily on others to be a source of peace, happiness, or ANYTHING really you’ll be left empty if and when they decide to fold on you because you didn’t nurture yourself before hand or you simply just lost yourself in getting too reliant. Never allow yourself to rely on anyone. Be able to be your own peace and happiness. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. I lost myself. I got way too comfortable. I dealt with I guess. I learned, well confirmed, a lesson that I had already learned. I’m going to try and write more. It makes me better. It sorts my thoughts. I guess that’s it.
Ciara \ 6:58 a.m.