Blog, My Journal

Transparency Moment (Free Write) / Journal Entry #3

Lately I have been learning a lot about myself. This post is going to be very transparent. In the love
portion of my first life update I briefly touched on why I was planning to stay single. I basically said
that if I couldn’t nurture myself how could I nurture anyone else? Now what I’ve realized lately is,
this theme is EXTREMELY prominent in my life and it always has been.
Last year (2016-2017) was a very hard year for me  emotionally and I don’t want to cry for attention 
but at the same time I try to emphasize this to the people around me, but being that I always put on 
such a strong front, I can understand why some of the people I know may not be able to quite grasp 
how hard it was for me.
I feel the effects of heartbreak, family situations and personal feelings towards myself, very deeply or
intensely maybe I should say. So during 2016 and 2017, I didn’t have control over my emotions,
which would cause me to slip in and out of depressions very often. It was so draining and I grew tired
of letting my emotions get in the way of doing everyday things and get in the way of things I wanted
to accomplish.
I don’t know what type of shift or voodoo came over 2018 but as soon as the year began I suddenly
felt this protective growth come over me. It’s like a cement shell of some sort that has grown over my
entire being.
The only emotions I know as of late is anger and contentment. Anything that sparks or tries to spark 
any vulnerability, softness, or sensitivity in me, I literally just avoid, suck it up, or push it away. A 
perfect example of this is the fact that I’ve always been a cry baby and I have always been a firm 
believer that sometimes you have to just cry it out, but now the things that would have made me ball 
out crying in 2016-2017, I can’t even bring myself to shed one tear about. I don’t know if that is
growth or me just not handling my emotions well, but I do know that I have created this shell so 
super thick and rock solid so that I don’t have to deal with the intensity of my emotions.
At first I was practicing a more positive mindset but I’ve realized that, that has slowly turned into me
suppressing my feelings.
I don’t like being sad and depressed so I can honestly say that I am not ready to get rid of my shell
and accept that I do feel things more intensely than most, I am extremely sensitive, and I am not
ready to come face to face with my emotions. I feel like I have too much to get done. But not only is 
this feeling effecting my mental a little bit, it is also effecting my relationships with other people. 
Because of my inability to deal with my own emotions, I 100% suck at dealing with the emotions of 
others. (meaning comforting friends in times of distress or simply giving advice, things like that)
Which is understandable, how can I deal with other people’s emotions when I don’t even know how to
address my own?
I hate and always have hated how intensely I felt things, but like I touched on in my post titled “The 
Emotions” it is important to go through those lows, acknowledging and understanding my feelings so
that I can learn and grow from it. Even though I’m not ready to officially let go I know I am close to a
breakthrough because the first step is acknowledging that there may be something wrong.
I am proud to have shared this with whoever reads this because this right here is a perfect example
of why I started this platform, to track and display my growth mentally and emotionally so that girls
can have relatable content to refer to in times of distress, so they can know that they are not alone and
someone does understand.
This is just a small part of the process for a bigger result.
xoxo

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